When Love Is Not Enough

“Do you promise to have and to hold, in good times and in bad?”

There is not a single dry eye in the audience. Including my brother, the groom. We’re outside on what couldn’t have been a more perfect day on the cliff where a luxury hotel sits. The wedding is small and simple but nonetheless a beautiful one. Like the bride. It doesn’t take much to make her stunning and stunning she is. As she walks down the grassy aisle, my brother lays eyes on her and does something I’ve never seen him do. He’s crying. Not hard, but enough that I relish in the moment of probably the only time I’ll ever see my big bro’s ugly cry face. I’m crying too, like a baby. I saw her earlier in her hotel room to get the rings for my son, the ring bearer. I’m instantly turning my head. Laying eyes on her meant ruining my makeup too early. She gestures with her hand to stop like it’s seriously no big deal she’s radiant. Then gets right to business.

“Okay did your brother tell you the concession order?” I shake my head. “Of course not” We laugh as she shakes her head. This woman is so on her shit she’s comparable to a leader of a free world but she’ll never admit it and she’ll never reveal if she’s actually stressed. That would stress you out and that’s not on her agenda. The only way I’ve ever been able to describe this woman is tough as nails. She’s a beast in the gym (I call dibs if I ever need her in a fight) and has accomplished business milestones in her 20s you dream of in your 40s. But that’s not what makes her so amazing. She’s never spoken ill of anyone. She has a voice and demeanor that is steady and sweet. She is endlessly encouraging and supportive. Did I mention? She never forgets a birthday, even before there was such a thing as the BookFace. Yeah… She rocks.  There are many other things I could say that would turn this girl into a superhero character but I think you get the picture.

Then there’s my big brother. My hero. What else can I say? He was the person I looked up to as a kid. He was my role model growing up and is still there whenever I need the voice of reason. He taught me focus, mental strength and to believe in myself. He taught me that no matter the obstacle there was always a strategy for success and to never give up. He always dreamed big for me and somehow in the almost 30 years of our relationship he has never managed to let me down. Ever.

Needless to say I am in love with these two and feel very supportive of their relationship. There is a detail, for the sake of this post that I will mention: they dated for over 10 years before they got married and you better believe they experienced thick and thin. In fact a chunk of their relationship was long distance… and I’m not talking New York/Boston. I’m talking New York/LA. I’m talking Singapore/LA. I’m talking real fucking distance. You might be wondering why they would ever do that (as a family we totally did) but the only thing that’s important to say is that they simply supported each other.

“My wife, I can not wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Sure people will say they were basically already married but this was the truest representation of a wedding. A ceremonial celebration of two people that have already committed their lives to each other, wanting to share in that commitment with their family members and with a seal, declare that they vow to spend the rest of their lives together. Fucking Beautiful. No seriously, I cried almost all the way up to dinner (I was NOT the only one)…

When the wedding was over and family members returned to their respective, cities, states and countries, something unexpected happened. I had an epiphany about committed relationships.

Love is not enough.

I realized that a commitment to someone is not a passive yes; it is an engaged responsibility.

When you love someone intimately, it’s beautiful. The hugs and kisses are endless. The sex is great. There are what seems like endless hours to plan thoughtful homemade dinners, romantic getaways and surprises that say, “I love you”. You want to make them feel loved because you love them, you want to make them feel wanted because they are and you want to make them feel special, because to you, there is no other that compares.

Now - in a committed relationship, love is simply not enough. When their goals require more work and more work requires long hours, it means understanding those goals and being there to support them even if it means you are (what feels like) being put on the back burner. It’s when money is tough, everyone is stressed and there are no date nights… then all of a sudden money gets tougher because the transmission blew out and the fridge died the same week. Despite the anger, annoyance and inability to laugh or smile about anything, you try to figure it out together… even if no one is getting laid and everyone is barely sleeping…

Sure there’s love in a committed relationship, that’s the easy part. I mean just think about how many times you thought you loved or how many times you actually loved someone. I’m sure at least a couple… don’t be that douchebag that says never.

But seriously, being in a committed relationship requires you to feel two things, LOVE and RESPONSIBILITY. Being with someone you love doesn’t guarantee a committed relationship (we’ve all been there) and being in a committed relationship doesn’t guarantee always being happy (unless stress makes you happy… then you have other problems), it guarantees a partnership, which means constant work for something that you are 50% responsible for.

Note: 50% = Half

Now I will say this – it’s hard. It’s hard as fuck. You ever try to get old couples to explain what it takes to be in a successful relationship? It’s always a simple answer like “love” “hard work” “respect” “patience”. Usually short answers mean “I am lost in the ocean of shit I wish I could tell you, so here are the small words you can digest”. Relishing in the happiness of a successful relationship is a privilege only earned through keeping up your 50%.

So at the end of the day when I look at my brother and his new wife, I don’t just see a happy couple in love, I see a couple that is truly committed to each other and feel responsible for one another. And that is not just inspiring – it downright sets the bar for what all committed relationships should look like.

And for that, I want to tell my brother and his new wife - Thank You.

Thank you!

:)