TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)
A good friend came to me for advice. They would be adopting as a single parent and did all their homework. But mostly the mechanics, things they could control. In my opinion, though, parenting is not about what we can control, its not about the job you have or the house you live in. The dog you will or won't have. Hell there's people that only have 9 months to prepare for the mechanics and they're doing fine. Its about you and your ability to deal. The best preparation? Know your crazy. We're all different and through our experiences have acquired different textures and shapes. Its what makes us beautiful and unique. But it is ugly when the mystery of those textures and shapes hijack your life. You don't want to be in a position where you emotionally crash (because you will) from sleep depravation, hunger, massive amounts of responsibility and well... relatives (present or not), without feeling deep inside you that you are grounded and can bounce back. Simply put, you will see shades of yourself you never thought existed. It is in these moments we learn we may not be in control but we can adapt. When you have a child it is not your job to control them and the lives they live out but to be the picture of support, help when they need it and to learn and grow with them. For that reason you need to deal with your own baggage. I mean, your kids are going to have baggage, that's inevitable, but lets stay away from the vicious cycle shit and work progressively to new and more interesting baggage relevant to them, not you.
Our Story Begins
I decided to leave my job and upon doing so let some folks know. Emails were starting to pop up asking whys and wheres and hows, etc etc. But one exchange caught me by complete surprise:
"You're leaving!?"
"Yup"
"Okay well let's get drinks sometime. I'm going to be adopting in the next couple of years and want your advice on what its like to be a single parent"
....what!?! Not a bad "what!?!" but I mean... I've had enough deep and meaningful conversations with this person that I'm surprised this never came up.
"Wow! Okay totally! Let's catch up soon."
Fast forward a couple of weeks. For drinks we met up at a tea/coffee shop, which I now adore (http://www.funnelmill.com/). My friend wanted to get right to talking but I had just been presented with an encyclopedia of drinks and was quickly prioritizing. So after I had a deep and meaningful conversation with the tea lady behind the counter we sat down and began our own deep and meaningful conversation.
I laugh thinking about how our conversation started because of where their head was at.
"So I'm going to change jobs and move to a house in a rural part of the state. I already have a dog which makes for a warm household and I'm learning to cook more. I've got essentials down but I'm wondering about work schedule and what if I have to work late."
This is perhaps 80% verbatim. I laughed out loud as they peeked at me nervously and with innocence. I have no doubt that they would have a good house or have a good job. In fact some people only have 9 months to plan and end up doing pretty good. They were interested in the mechanical, things they had control over. I was more interested in what was in their head. The emotional.
"Well I know I'm going to be a great parent. I mean I'm funny, loving and understand that a child is the greatest gift and addition to any person's life. I don't know what you mean by emotional."
So I started by asking why they wanted to do this and what the motivation was. We talked a little bit about their philosophies and how having children has always been important but they had already been through a divorce over children and didn't want to depend on the unknown variable of whether or not a partner could be found. I figured the logic was probably sound and although not common also not unprecedented to be adopting as a single parent.
Now for the emotional. Man did it take some digging and although we discovered some personal things I asked them to think more about, ultimately there was this; parenting is not about that which we can control it is about the unforeseeable. When you have a child in your presence it is not your job to control them and the lives they live out but to be the picture of support, help when they need it and to learn and grow with them. But because of all this giving, which can be exhausting, we can lose ourselves and become vulnerable, reliving some of our own negative experiences growing up. For that reason you need to deal with your baggage before baby.
Who are you? Why are you the person you are? The experiences we've had, shape us. Its what makes us beautiful and unique. But it is ugly when the mystery of those textures and shapes hijack your life. You don't want to be in a position where you emotionally crash (because you will) from sleep depravation, hunger, massive amounts of responsibility and well.. relatives (present or not), without feeling deep inside you that you are grounded and can bounce back. You will see shades of yourself you never thought existed. Fact.
For this reason I bring up therapy.
"Therapy!?" my friend responded.
Why not!? Some people are adverse to the idea of therapy but I'm quite fond of it if you can find the right therapist. Highly recommended but not necessary. It will be important to have someone you can talk to that won't judge when you're experiencing doubt in yourself and need support. For couples its important you are this to each other (i.e. support, no judgey, hugs). Also, if you're into science, therapy is just a GREAT way to get to know yourself and travel down the rabbit hole of your brain. Whats wonderful is that for couples, it's becoming less uncommon to go even if there's nothing immediately wrong. If you're adverse to it, think "what am I afraid of learning about myself?". That's probably where your baggage is safely stowed and dusty.
My friend understood. Smelled what I was stepping in. Picked up what I was throwing down. And he was excited. Thank goodness because when you realize children are not just an endless pit of love they are also an endless pit of unpredictability and WORK it helps manage expectations. It also helps put into perspective that this is not an easy job which is a concept that is truly hard to wrap your head around until you start. Failure is inevitable but success is too! Which is why despite the unlikelihood of actually dealing with all your baggage, as long as you're focused on what matters (including your sanity), you'll be fine. I mean, your kids are going to have baggage, that's inevitable, but lets stay away from the vicious cycle shit and work progressively to new and more interesting baggage relevant to them, not you. For instance, why make a little kid suffer with self-worth just because grandma didn't put you in their will? hm?
The almost two hour meeting with my friend ended with hugs. A hug that represented support and an addition to his network. Who knows, he might not have to adopt as a single parent but he's building his life and preparing around his priorities and to me, that's awesome. To my good friend and others preparing to be parents, I wish you all the absolute best.
A good friend came to me for advice. They would be adopting as a single parent and did all their homework. But mostly the mechanics, things they could control. In my opinion, though, parenting is not about what we can control, its not about the job you have or the house you live in. The dog you will or won't have. Hell there's people that only have 9 months to prepare for the mechanics and they're doing fine. Its about you and your ability to deal. The best preparation? Know your crazy. We're all different and through our experiences have acquired different textures and shapes. Its what makes us beautiful and unique. But it is ugly when the mystery of those textures and shapes hijack your life. You don't want to be in a position where you emotionally crash (because you will) from sleep depravation, hunger, massive amounts of responsibility and well... relatives (present or not), without feeling deep inside you that you are grounded and can bounce back. Simply put, you will see shades of yourself you never thought existed. It is in these moments we learn we may not be in control but we can adapt. When you have a child it is not your job to control them and the lives they live out but to be the picture of support, help when they need it and to learn and grow with them. For that reason you need to deal with your own baggage. I mean, your kids are going to have baggage, that's inevitable, but lets stay away from the vicious cycle shit and work progressively to new and more interesting baggage relevant to them, not you.
Our Story Begins
I decided to leave my job and upon doing so let some folks know. Emails were starting to pop up asking whys and wheres and hows, etc etc. But one exchange caught me by complete surprise:
"You're leaving!?"
"Yup"
"Okay well let's get drinks sometime. I'm going to be adopting in the next couple of years and want your advice on what its like to be a single parent"
....what!?! Not a bad "what!?!" but I mean... I've had enough deep and meaningful conversations with this person that I'm surprised this never came up.
"Wow! Okay totally! Let's catch up soon."
Fast forward a couple of weeks. For drinks we met up at a tea/coffee shop, which I now adore (http://www.funnelmill.com/). My friend wanted to get right to talking but I had just been presented with an encyclopedia of drinks and was quickly prioritizing. So after I had a deep and meaningful conversation with the tea lady behind the counter we sat down and began our own deep and meaningful conversation.
I laugh thinking about how our conversation started because of where their head was at.
"So I'm going to change jobs and move to a house in a rural part of the state. I already have a dog which makes for a warm household and I'm learning to cook more. I've got essentials down but I'm wondering about work schedule and what if I have to work late."
This is perhaps 80% verbatim. I laughed out loud as they peeked at me nervously and with innocence. I have no doubt that they would have a good house or have a good job. In fact some people only have 9 months to plan and end up doing pretty good. They were interested in the mechanical, things they had control over. I was more interested in what was in their head. The emotional.
"Well I know I'm going to be a great parent. I mean I'm funny, loving and understand that a child is the greatest gift and addition to any person's life. I don't know what you mean by emotional."
So I started by asking why they wanted to do this and what the motivation was. We talked a little bit about their philosophies and how having children has always been important but they had already been through a divorce over children and didn't want to depend on the unknown variable of whether or not a partner could be found. I figured the logic was probably sound and although not common also not unprecedented to be adopting as a single parent.
Now for the emotional. Man did it take some digging and although we discovered some personal things I asked them to think more about, ultimately there was this; parenting is not about that which we can control it is about the unforeseeable. When you have a child in your presence it is not your job to control them and the lives they live out but to be the picture of support, help when they need it and to learn and grow with them. But because of all this giving, which can be exhausting, we can lose ourselves and become vulnerable, reliving some of our own negative experiences growing up. For that reason you need to deal with your baggage before baby.
Who are you? Why are you the person you are? The experiences we've had, shape us. Its what makes us beautiful and unique. But it is ugly when the mystery of those textures and shapes hijack your life. You don't want to be in a position where you emotionally crash (because you will) from sleep depravation, hunger, massive amounts of responsibility and well.. relatives (present or not), without feeling deep inside you that you are grounded and can bounce back. You will see shades of yourself you never thought existed. Fact.
For this reason I bring up therapy.
"Therapy!?" my friend responded.
Why not!? Some people are adverse to the idea of therapy but I'm quite fond of it if you can find the right therapist. Highly recommended but not necessary. It will be important to have someone you can talk to that won't judge when you're experiencing doubt in yourself and need support. For couples its important you are this to each other (i.e. support, no judgey, hugs). Also, if you're into science, therapy is just a GREAT way to get to know yourself and travel down the rabbit hole of your brain. Whats wonderful is that for couples, it's becoming less uncommon to go even if there's nothing immediately wrong. If you're adverse to it, think "what am I afraid of learning about myself?". That's probably where your baggage is safely stowed and dusty.
My friend understood. Smelled what I was stepping in. Picked up what I was throwing down. And he was excited. Thank goodness because when you realize children are not just an endless pit of love they are also an endless pit of unpredictability and WORK it helps manage expectations. It also helps put into perspective that this is not an easy job which is a concept that is truly hard to wrap your head around until you start. Failure is inevitable but success is too! Which is why despite the unlikelihood of actually dealing with all your baggage, as long as you're focused on what matters (including your sanity), you'll be fine. I mean, your kids are going to have baggage, that's inevitable, but lets stay away from the vicious cycle shit and work progressively to new and more interesting baggage relevant to them, not you. For instance, why make a little kid suffer with self-worth just because grandma didn't put you in their will? hm?
The almost two hour meeting with my friend ended with hugs. A hug that represented support and an addition to his network. Who knows, he might not have to adopt as a single parent but he's building his life and preparing around his priorities and to me, that's awesome. To my good friend and others preparing to be parents, I wish you all the absolute best.
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