My Kid Is Not a Bully

TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)
The dad in this feels guilty that he hasn't been spending enough time with his kid which is no excuse for letting him bully other kids. We want to believe our children are good. When we feel guilty about their negative behavior, we blame it on ourselves. We want to deflect any pain they might feel and take it on as though it is our burden, not theirs. In this case, the act of leniency one too many times had created a ripple effect causing pain. Don't feel guilty. You are not your child or more importantly your child is not you, but you are your child's guardian. You need to make sure this person blooms into a positive member of society, it is your responsibility to make sure they aren't assholes. So nurture them now and let them know when they're wrong, even if you've been wrong. 



We begin our story:
The kid on first base gradually showed signs of frustration towards his teammate positioned at the pitcher’s mound. They were both trying very hard and ultimately succeeding but any throw to first not easily caught caused a stern frown on the first baseman’s face. Little League, America's introductory course to the favorite country past time. No one is getting paid to be out there but everyone has their motivation... or lack thereof.

“Alright in we go!” – yelled the coach and his assistant, clipboards in hand. Both Dads, volunteers and committed to some organized play. Head coach is lean and athletic with a kind face and voice of endearing patience. The assistant coach was taller, heavier set and a baby face.

The kid on the pitcher's mound in the previous inning was the shortest kid on the team. He came running into the dug out, the first baseman, over a head taller, was looming closely behind him without breaking his gaze. Unbeknownst to Short Stuff, Blue Eyes was watching over his every move. Batters up were called by Coach and it was time to get ready. While searching for the appropriate gear Short Stuff didn't take note of the shadow he had acquired. Then, without warning a chest bumped into Short Stuff’s face followed by two hands pushing him back for added impact. stumbled backwards but kept his balance and immediately stepped back to his original position. He didn’t look the kid in his eyes but he focused on holding his position. Both still. Tense. Having decided he hadn't received an acceptable response, Blue Eyes grabbed a catcher’s mitt, small, lightly used and likely outgrown. Without hesitation it went over the fence. The other kids now became fully aware of what was happening and that was it, Short Stuff began to cry…quietly. Truly hurt now.

I am Short Stuff’s mom. I am sitting, watching this entire scene unfold about 20 feet away with his back to me but I could see the face of the bully. I also know that my heart is racing so fast that if I flex my legs and lift my butt off my metal bench, I will see red and black out. Thankfully another mother, specifically the mother of another kid on the team and the wife of the head coach, was sitting on the benches right next to the dugout and saw the final act transpire.

“[Blue Eyes] pick up his glove!” Mind you this is not his parent and there’s no response from the child. He’s just staring at my son watching him sob quietly. Coach catches a whiff that this is happening from one of the kids and he grabs pieces of the story amidst trying to get the next inning started. He hears enough to bring both kids around him with his arms and tell the bigger kid to say sorry “we’re all in this together, come on guys”. The game continued as normal.

I never got up out of my seat. I sat there and stewed, attempting to lower the fire. Desperately attempting to lower the fire.  I thought through different reactions and broke down my motivations for each. Was I being reminded of every bully I had as a kid or every bully I defended someone else against? What are my priorities? Did I want to kick the kid’s ass or comfort my child? It was crucial to me that in my next move I would be sane and sound in my motivations and actions.

I decided, naturally, the parents should have a conversation and get on the same page about what happened, no need for harsh words just that there was an unacceptable act and trust that the adult would deal with their child appropriately. So I spoke to dad and his response was "he touched his glove". My kid touched his kids glove... my kid "instigated" the situation. Although dad didn't see what happened, his translation of "touch" was actually correct, not "move", not "throw" but literally  touched thinking it was his then found his own right next to it. What shook me was when he responded with "My kid is not a bully. He is a very sweet and gentle child". The shock kept coming. Already frustrated and trying to stay moderately composed, I let him know that the behaviors displayed were textbook and as a parent I would expect him to tell me if my kid ever acted in the same way. By the way – Blue Eye's dad is the assistant coach... I’m going to let that sink in for you.

The person entrusted with my kid's safety was making him out to be an instigator in an act of textbook bully behavior where it was painfully obvious that he was on the receiving end. It didn’t matter that I had witnessed this first hand and that his 7 year old son was his only other means of information. It simply did not matter. He didn't want to believe his kid was a bully. I later found out through another mom that there was a new addition to the house and his kid was having serious problems adjusting. My response? "You don't live in a third world country where your eating leftover spoiled food off the street. So there's a new kid in the house you have to help take care of now? Boo Fucking Hoo. Get over it."Regardless, this dude was not budging.

Now for actually talking to my kiddo. This kid is the face of optimism. When shit went down he bounced right back into playing baseball and didn't hold a grudge. This is a kid that turned a previous bully into a friend and ex-bully. He explained what happened in his own words and in his own words explained that he didn't think the assistant coach cared. He said it as a matter of fact. Right there I asked him if he felt his coached protected and defended him. He thought about it and said "not really". Where is the conviction!? Every child should feel protected and defended when in the presence of adults! So I explained to him that it was actually not okay to not feel protected or defended. These are good people. People that volunteered their own time to help bring kids together and have a good time. Unfortunately they are not trained individuals and they made a poor decision. When people make bad decisions that affect us, its like pushing against a wall, the best thing to do is walk away. And we did. The last game of the season was only the week after and we both decided it was best to drop out.

Coach didn't reach out until 4 days later when they were scheduled for practice. He genuinely apologized and expressed his deepest regrets, hoping that we would come back. I let him know I appreciated all the time he was committing to the kids and on a complete volunteer basis mind you, but the opportunity for learning had past and I had taken care of it.

Conclusion: 

This dad feels guilty that he hasn't been spending enough time with his kid. That is no excuse for letting him bully other kids. We want to believe our children are good. When we feel guilty about their negative behavior, we blame it on ourselves. We want to deflect any pain they might feel and take it on as though it is our burden, not theirs. In this case, the act of leniency one too many times had created a ripple effect causing pain. Don't feel guilty. You are not your child or more importantly your child is not you, but you are your child's guardian. You need to make sure this person blooms into a positive member of society, it is your responsibility to make sure they aren't assholes. So nurture them now and let them know when they're wrong, even if you've been wrong.