Upset With My Bullied Son

I didn't want to write about this. But because I thought that, I felt I had to. 

I discovered my rope's end one day after picking up my son from the after school program at the YMCA. When I picked him up a little boy was being asked to say sorry to him. One of the staff members was kneeling down in front of both of them.

"Michael, say sorry. He already forgave you but you have to say sorry for what you did". 

I was upset when my son later explained to me that this kid had punched him. Then I got truly upset when he told me he had also gotten bullied at school that same day. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but I didn't want him to feel like I was angry with him. I asked him questions about what happened but nothing satisfied me as to why this happened to him. All the adults did well and both kids got in trouble.

But I was still upset. I didn't want him to think I was angry with him, but I have a confession; I was angry with him. Deep down I was upset that he was being singled out what felt like an incident every other week. Why is he being singled out? Why was my kid being singled out? Everybody loves my kid. I understand why I was bullied as a kid but I didn't understand why my kid was being bullied. It hit me that this was a point of pride and I was being selfish. 

In Tae Kwon Do he's a white belt and has fun. Before joining, his teacher knew he had run ins with bullies. His pain threshold is high and he doesn't mind falling time and time again. When doing forms in the mirror, he is forceful, strong and focused. His teacher has genuinely told me that he's impressed by my son's strength. But when sparring he tones it down. Still focused but not on the form. Its like he's focused on not hurting the other person. This kills me as I realize how forgiving he is with his partners. Fought against with no will to fight back. 

After class on the day he had two run-ins, I pulled the teacher aside and let him know what happened. He saw in my eyes that I was at my rope's end and suggested a private class with him to get the fear out of him. If I don't, I'm afraid it will turn into excuses for anyone to treat him in a shitty way. Because forgiveness is one thing, a door mat is another. 

From someone who has spent a considerable amount of time in school lashing out against shitty kids and defending those that couldn't defend themselves, not being able to defend my own son is deeply deeply heartbreaking. Every fiber of my body wants this to not be about anger but I am SO angry. When I should be happy that my son doesn't have a knee jerk reaction to just punch some kid in the face... at the same time, I'm disappointed that he doesn't just clock some kid in the face for putting their hands on him. Now that I think of it, he's a lot like me; he defends other kids at school and risks getting hurt to help someone else but he won't defend himself even if he knows how to! I almost want to laugh because seriously, what is wrong with us!?

As I grew older with less people to defend I became void of feeling self-worth. I didn't really even understand why people wanted to hang out with me. When I had my son, the fighter instinct came back and he fueled the fire in my belly, making me thirst an unquenchable thirst for life through his own life. Something to forever defend. But the idea of him going through the same cycle of self-worth challenges destroys me.

Today is the private class with his Tae Kwon Do teacher and I don't know if I can muster the strength to stay in the room when I take him. I'm afraid my anger will come out and he'll feel disappointed in himself. I might go to the bar and drink while he has his lesson. But I guess the more responsible thing to do is ask him if he wants me to be there. Regardless, this mama bear has got to keep it together and will beat the fear out of that baby cub, right? Just kidding. But seriously, I hope to pump some self confidence into him. We'll see.