A Little Boy No More

A couple months ago my son had his 7^th birthday. I say that and I still have trouble saying it. Seven years old. That's MORE than half way to a decade of life. This is coming from a woman that looks 20 and feels 14 sometimes (and vice versa). My kid is seven! It takes a lot to faze me but this fazes me. This stops me in my emotional brain tracks and I think, “where the fuck did the time go?” and immediately to “is any damage permanent at this point?” cus lord knows I am not perfect! I’ve been winging it and my little baby is now a man in training. A little man.

I still remember his chubby face and hands holding my face like he knew I needed it. Holding my hand to guide me more than me guide him. A little boy in love with his mama. But now, he’s not a little boy. I can’t look at him anymore and think of my little boy. His legs are lanky and long, ankles thin from all the stretching. His face has no chub and he composes himself with the hilarity and annoyances of a wobbly small adult.

Don’t get me wrong this boy still loves to hug his mama and blows me kisses when I drop him off at school but he is quickly coming into his own. Or maybe it hasn’t been quick. Actually, he’s been preparing for this his whole life! And I’m caught at the point of no return. That baby boy with his deep ocean of ignorant love for me is now a little man with prerogatives and opinions, calling me out on my shit and giving suggestions for how to schedule my day. He sees my flaws now more clearly and lets me know “um mama, I asked for water 5 times – now that’s six”. Which naturally has caused our relationship to evolve. For better or worst.

One morning the sound of my own voice started sounding like nails on a chalkboard.

“Eat your food, please”

“Don’t do that”

“Eat your food”

“Stop that, please. Its annoying”

“Eat your food”

“Can you stop that?”

“Put your plate away please”

“Put your shoes on”

“Don’t say that, its rude”

“What did I say? PUT YOUR SHOES ON”

“Did you brush your teeth?”

For any parent this sounds like a normal morning, but this morning I was over it. I hated the sound of my voice constantly correcting him and telling him he was wrong. So I sat him down:

“Alright, listen. You are 7 years old. You are getting older every day and you are seriously amazing me. You work hard at school. You learn all this stuff and you can move like a ninja. You’re talented.

“Thanks mama”

“You’re welcome, but I know sometimes all it sounds like is that I’m constantly telling you you’re wrong and I’m right… does that sound about right or no?”

“Yeah you yell at me a lot”

Ugh I hate it when he says I yell, “mkay. So with that, I need to be upfront with you. You’ve grown A LOT, but you’re still growing. Okay? I know I can be annoying but it’s my job. Just like it’s your job to learn and grow and exercise that brain and body of yours, its mine to keep you in line. If you’re being rude, I have to tell you. If you’re creating a mess, I have to tell you to fix it. But if I don’t tell you, you’re not going to know and then you might get out there [I point outside] and not mean to, but hurt someone’s feelings or offend someone. Okay?”

Staring at me “okay”

“It’s the basic stuff but you’ve got all the hard stuff down, like being a great person with a big heart. I can’t teach that, you already are that. K baby? I’m just helping you show on the outside what you are on the inside. Sound good?”

“Yeah. Thanks… can I play handball against the wall now”

“No.”

“…. Okay”

“Please put your shoes on”

“Fine”, he says getting up, “but no more yelling”. I laugh out loud, “Then listen to me the first time!”. He runs off and yells “No promises!”. I smile shaking my head.

The fact that our relationship has grown only shows that he’s not the only one that has changed. I have grown too. I am not the same person I was when my kid was born. Every day he has challenged me in ways no one else could. Which means that in a way, if I don’t let him go and grow into his own, it will stunt my own growth. Out of security I want to keep my baby boy, my baby boy. But the truth is, my baby boy is gone and in his place is a little man. Like every relationship, its progression is the immediate reflection of a living breathing thing. Keep it from growing and you’ll have a stagnant dying one. The relationship exists not in its past form but a new every day. Which is why I have to be willing to go there with him.

I can’t keep him from growing up. He is all his own. I am just there to make sure he understands the rules of the world (don’t be a dick) and that my love is unconditional (but mama don’t take shit). With that I hope he learns to live without fear and grow confidently in his own skin.  Because with or without me this rocket is taking off to the moon.