Single Parenting and Dating

Six years ago I got a divorce from my son's father. It was a mutual decision and we even hugged in appreciation for the fact that we tried but ultimately it wasn’t going to work out. I was 22 years old and although I was aware of how young I was; fresh out of college with a one-year-old kid and two part time jobs, I was unaware of how to date and honestly didn’t feel like it. Up to that point I had only been in what I would consider 2 serious relationships. In fact my idea of being with someone was always serious. It wasn't until my last serious relationship about 3 years ago that I turned a critical corner and realized my priorities were all wrong. 

QUICK SIDE NOTE: Let me just first say that luckily I don't have to worry about co-parenting, I'm very lucky for this. I don't have to worry about being criticized by an ex-lover for how I learned to get through the intimate relationship waters as a newly single parent but I did have to deal with my family's, although kind but real criticisms. Because of this I can't stress enough how important it is to forgive yourself for the tumbles no matter what. You gotta move forward. Relationships are already not an easy thing to learn, much less when you’re learning how to have one with your kid at the same time.

BACK TO STORY: He was young for me but he seemed stable and I liked how he made me feel including the fact that he loved my son. He lived in a city a little far from where I worked and lived so when the schedule for spending time together got tough he wanted to remedy this by having my son and I move in. He wanted me to quit my job and find a new one closer to where we would theoretically be living. There were fundamentally good reasons; I was stagnating at my current job and needed to get out in order to grow. But moving in with him??? 

"Having us move in is a big deal"

"I know but this is what I want"

"I don't think you realize how much your life will change having a kid in your day to day"

"This is what I want and I'm prepared. You know I’ve always wanted a family."

"What if you change your mind? I don’t think this is a good idea. Maybe we should wait and give it some more time."

"No. If you don't want this then I don't want this and I can't be with you anymore"

Him pushing me into a corner lit off all sorts of warnings… that I chose to ignore. I was equally shocked, scared and even excited. Wow, he really wants this? He wants to have a family with me. A single parent’s dream come true. Right? Well fast-forward 1 month. I found a GREAT new job in the same city we were moving to. I found a very nice Chinese family of three to sub-lease my one-bedroom apartment for the remainder of my lease and I found a great super close pre-school for my 3 and a half-year-old. So the Thursday before the weekend I was to move out, I call up my boyfriend. 

"Hey babe, how's it going?"

"Good [long pause] what's up"

"Umm not much, just getting the last of everything packed up. Sssoo, we didn't really coordinate but can you help me move this weekend with your truck?" (Side note: I don't have a car and I’ve been assuming he would obviously help me move)

"Uhh........ when?"

"I don't know whenever you're available?"

He sighs with some frustration "I don't know if I'll be available"

"What? But how am I supposed to move my stuff dude? Maybe we can do it before the weekend?"

"Babe....... [long pause] Babe"

"… Fuck dude, just say it-"

"I don't know if I can do this"

Done. My reaction should have been colossal. My feelings should have been of betrayal, abandonment, etc. But they weren't. I cried for about 10 seconds feeling my world crashing but I quickly realized I didn’t have time for that, only things I could say through his sorries were:

"I get it. I get it dude. This is my fault. I shouldn't have let you talk me into this. I gotta go and figure out how I'm getting to my new job on Monday. Bye."

I didn't have the luxury to waste time being upset. I had to hustle. That weekend, I bought my first car, re-enrolled my kid into his old preschool and made a deal with the Chinese family that we could sleep in the living room and they take the bedroom. When my lease was up 3 months later we moved our lives to the city where my new job was and into a 550 sq. foot apartment. 

This gave me the swift kick in the ass I needed. I let my emotions get the best of me and dictate only that I would be with someone but not with discipline. After that I took control of my life and realized that what I really needed [insert time for real talk] was to get laid. Point blank. Seriously, here's the truth; if you’re generally more geared towards serious relationships then not getting laid fucks with your head. It will take control of your emotional triggers so that you have what feels like an undeniable and urgent need to find a sustainable physical relationship. Your desire for cuddles, love and appreciation are actually simply sex. And there is nothing wrong with that.

More real talk? Oh yes please. You are a grown ass adult and if you want to get laid - do it! (safely of course…) Masturbate? DO IT! But if you don't separate the responsibility of having a serious relationship and the responsibility of taking care of your body you will become a generally restless and cranky individual with a horrible attention span for the true responsibilities in your life. The odds will also not likely be in your favor for finding a healthy relationship.

I learned so much about myself while not being in serious relationships. Most importantly, I learned how take control of my life. I ended up focusing on my real priorities like owning a stable and productive life with my kid. Not “where is my next life partner”. Because of that I ended up LESS stressed and HAPPIER.  

If I found myself going on a date I would just ENJOY the person’s company. I wouldn’t bog myself down with personality analysis and “what-ifs”. I now simply ENJOY the present moment and feel EMPOWERED that I’m always in control of having a good time and depend on no one emotionally. No excuses. With regards to intimate relationships, my bar was HIGH and continuously got higher. I realized that great men and women are everywhere. Its about what you attract and what you are looking for.

Taking care of my life is priority. I once was a girl that didn’t know what was out there and didn’t know what I wanted. Because of that I dated tortured souls, alcoholics and party guys with an equal lack of goals and focus. I’m now a woman that knows what I want and what I’m worth. Because of that I feel I’m not just successful in relationships but in life.